Transformers the Third

Nippers would like it to be known that she hasn't actually seen the film, but she figures her input is relavent anyway. She would also like to that Kiki for taking one for the team and actually going out to see this film so she could report her findings to Nipper, who never actually left the couch.

Transformers 3 is pretty much the same as all the others: lots of explosions from start to finish and very little else in between. The plot is the same as always- there are some good ones and some bad ones, and most of them are blown up. From the moment the trailers ended, the motion sickness set in, fuelled by a scene reminiscient of a laser skirmish in outer space. This tied in nicely with the inference that the Space Race of the 50s and 60s was not actually about Americans punching Russian dignity in the throat, or vice versa, but instead to do with an alien space ship on the moon. Niel Armsrtong and Buzz Aldrin were therefore not just holidaying on a floating rock, but also there to steal some cool shit from an intergalactic junkyard. In fact, Optimus Prime and Buzz Aldrin even start a little "I've been to space" buddy club, which presumably Armstrong wasn't invited to because he had BO, or because he has the good sense to stay the hell away from Transformers movies. There was a momentary glimpse of actual academic reference in the form of a robot that was designed after Albert Einstien, but then it died.

John Malcovich- who's character they spent quite a while introducing- just disappeared half way through the film. He didn't die or anything; we can only assume he went on a toilet break and got heinously lost amongst the plumbing. And you know how in the earlier ones Megan Fox had white trousers that never seemed to get dirty? Well in this one the chick had a white jacket. Apparently dating Sam Witwickey gives your clothes the ability to instantaneously launder themselves. On a similar wardrobe-related note, there was a scene in which she was sent flying through a collapsing building, flung side to side through panes of glass, and went hurtling down the outside of said building- and somehow managed to keep these slip-on high heels on, revealing that this particular supermodel enjoys supergluing her shoes to the soles of her feet.

Oh, and if you weren't sold on the Matrix of Leadership in the last film because it sounded like one of those wanky things your Religious Ed teacher goes on about, fear not: you've got the whole of this movie to warm up to it too!

All in all, I don't know exactly what happened in the last three hours of my life, only that I will never get them back.