Jun 30, 2011

Transformers the Third

Nippers would like it to be known that she hasn't actually seen the film, but she figures her input is relavent anyway. She would also like to that Kiki for taking one for the team and actually going out to see this film so she could report her findings to Nipper, who never actually left the couch.

Transformers 3 is pretty much the same as all the others: lots of explosions from start to finish and very little else in between. The plot is the same as always- there are some good ones and some bad ones, and most of them are blown up. From the moment the trailers ended, the motion sickness set in, fuelled by a scene reminiscient of a laser skirmish in outer space. This tied in nicely with the inference that the Space Race of the 50s and 60s was not actually about Americans punching Russian dignity in the throat, or vice versa, but instead to do with an alien space ship on the moon. Niel Armsrtong and Buzz Aldrin were therefore not just holidaying on a floating rock, but also there to steal some cool shit from an intergalactic junkyard. In fact, Optimus Prime and Buzz Aldrin even start a little "I've been to space" buddy club, which presumably Armstrong wasn't invited to because he had BO, or because he has the good sense to stay the hell away from Transformers movies. There was a momentary glimpse of actual academic reference in the form of a robot that was designed after Albert Einstien, but then it died.

John Malcovich- who's character they spent quite a while introducing- just disappeared half way through the film. He didn't die or anything; we can only assume he went on a toilet break and got heinously lost amongst the plumbing. And you know how in the earlier ones Megan Fox had white trousers that never seemed to get dirty? Well in this one the chick had a white jacket. Apparently dating Sam Witwickey gives your clothes the ability to instantaneously launder themselves. On a similar wardrobe-related note, there was a scene in which she was sent flying through a collapsing building, flung side to side through panes of glass, and went hurtling down the outside of said building- and somehow managed to keep these slip-on high heels on, revealing that this particular supermodel enjoys supergluing her shoes to the soles of her feet.

Oh, and if you weren't sold on the Matrix of Leadership in the last film because it sounded like one of those wanky things your Religious Ed teacher goes on about, fear not: you've got the whole of this movie to warm up to it too!

All in all, I don't know exactly what happened in the last three hours of my life, only that I will never get them back.

Jun 28, 2011


"Oh, and you missed a call from the RSPCA."
"Oh really? What did they want?"

"They said you've won a giraffe."


"Yeah. She said Hi there I'm Blahdy Blah from the RSPCA is Nicki there, she's won a giraffe."

"A giraffe."


"Not Raffle. Not carafe. But giraffe."



"... Well I may have misheard."

I have absolutely no idea when I entered this competition or whatever it is, or why they are offering large African mammals as prizes, or even how they got our home phone number, which even my cousins don't have. CONFUSION HAS.

Cup-o'-tea Count: Obviously plenty of the hallucinatory stuff.

Jun 22, 2011


N: I think I've buggered my back on the way home... [tries to move] - Oh, Christ on a bike.
K: Were you on your bike?

N: Er, thanks... And yeah, feel free to worship me any time.

K: What? No- I meant did you do your back in on your bike, not that you're-

N: Yeah, I know. I was just joking.

K: You sounded pretty serious.

N: That's because I wasn't.

K: I can't even tell if you're being sarcastic or not anymore.

N: What? Of course I was being sarcastic- weren't you?

K: Yes, of course I was. I was being sarcastic about you being sarcastic.

N: Well, obviously.

K: ... I swear to God anyone listening in wouldn't have the faintest clue what either of us are on about.

Cup of tea count: Apparently not enough to make any sort of sense whatsoever.

EDIT: Also holy crap 10 views to go until we hit 500. I mean that's probably not a big number in the blogging world, but it's a lot of pageviews to people who are used to having only their mothers read their facebook page.

Jun 20, 2011

Birthday Invitations


This is super important cause she's all kinds of rad and a bit like Jesus in that respect, which makes all of us her disciples, or pet donkeys. Like Jesus, she's invited us all along to this super dooper ace-tastic dinner thing to celebrate her existence, except she won't be dying at the end of it 'cause unlike Jesus she knows how to not put a downer on a party. Also unlike Jesus she won't be getting us to drink wine and pretend its her blood like some kind of wussy vampiric cult ritual, or singling one of us out to betray her by keying her car or something. So I guess actually she's not all that much like Jesus at all.

Anyway, it's going to be a pretty fun party so you should be there.

Love from N

I still don't see why we couldn't have sent that one out.


Jun 12, 2011


So this week denotes the start of HolyShitThatEssay'sDueTodayIsn'tItBetterGetStarted block, as well as The Melbourne Trip and the beginning of the Double Whammy Birthday Shebang. Unfortunately, only one of these things has happened.

And that's the Melbourne Trip.

Some of you may be aware that in the last week or so, a hill in Chile turned out to be quite a bit more explosive than most, and has been spewing out what can only be described as an awesome- that's awesome in the traditional 'I-am-incredibly-humbled-and-slightly-scared-by-the-sheer-power-and-majesty-of-it' sense of the word and not in the 'hey-that-hamster-is-wearing-knuckledusters' sense- plume of ash and fire lighting and all sorts of frankly insane freak weather since then.

Conveniently, said plume of ash has decided not only to devastate the landscape of South America, (because that is where Chile is, and not near Turkey, as suggested by one member of our party, who seemed to be under the impression that all countries that share their names with foods must be next door to each other) but also to take a short holiday into Australian air space. That's right; a volcano has spewed an ash cloud that has travelled approximately 11, 362 km across the South Pacific Ocean and stopped air traffic in a totally different continent.

Mother Nature is not a woman to be fucked with.

Anyway, this has meant that our flight home has been grounded (read: missed, cancelled, and never to be seen again) and that after tonight the only thing we have left is the hire car, our singing voices and a lot of mobile phones with low battery.

... Let the road trip begin.


Jun 9, 2011

Family Portraits

"Awsh that is so cute."
"What is?"
"Oh, it's just this picture of one of my old teachers and his son... and they've made a stegosaurus pizza."
I've realised that it's not our lives that are interesting and hilarious, it's more that we are one pair of lunatics in a world of wonderful nutters.

Cup of tea count: Situation Critical. More teabags needed.

Jun 7, 2011

Old Timey Songs

Kiki (in song):
"There was cheese, cheese, crawling on it's knees
In the store, In the store.
There was cheese, cheese, crawling on it's knees,
In the quatermaster's store."
Ad infinitum with verses involving meat with feet, eggs on legs, bread doing headstands and feminist flour.
Nipper (in speech):
"Two things: firstly, I never, ever want to meet this quatermaster and his little gang of sentient mutant biohazard food friends, and two, I seem to recall you looking up that chant, and those definitely not being the words."
Kiki (ignoring, and still in song):
"My eyes are dim, I cannot see
I have not brought my specs with me.
I haaave no-ot brought my specs with me."
Nipper (still definitely not in song):
"Well, you certainly didn't have them with you when you were looking up the words."

Cup of tea count: We are on rations. We have three teabags left. Situation is getting desperate.

Jun 2, 2011

The best movie of all time, according to the Internet

Special Guest Post

My dad, on the phone:
"I'm stood here in the kitchen on my own staring at an empty sausage roll box. I'm not finding it very inspiring."

Cup of tea count: According to him, enough to fuel a documentary on whether round, square or pyramid tea bags are more effective.



"You think you're bad with tech? A computer once grew a limb just so it could give me the finger."

Cup of tea count: 42, the meaning of life.