"Now I just need you to extend your arm forwards. Yes, like that... And the other one.... yep, good. Okay, now can I get you to turn your hands over- no. No, stop that. No- just- Put your hands down- NICKI, THE MACARENEA IS NOT A DIAGNOSTIC TEST."
Dec 13, 2011
Dec 7, 2011
N:"I think it's time for water crackers."K:"I love water crackers.""Me too; I'll get the dips.""You know, I love them so much that I would quite happily eat them bland.""Yes, I'll drink to that.""... we lead interesting lives."later:K:"I notice I tend to go for the little bit-at-a-time approach, whereas you just get massive chunks of dip."N:"We have complementary methods.""We have complementary ways of eating dip?"later still:K:"... It's not really dip- appropriate weather, is it?"
N:"Please stop saying things I feel obligated to include in the blog."
K:"So let me get this straight. Jim and Brenton are sat in the labs at uni discussing it, while you and I are sat here, discussing it, and you and Brenton are texting each other to inform both parties of the separate discussions that are occurring simultaneously about the same thing."N:"Err, yes."K:"You know what I think? I think we should just form a committee. We can all sit down and raise various motions and take votes. That would be far, far easier for all involved."N:"But then how would we handle the Spanish Confessionals?"
Dec 6, 2011
"You won't believe this, but there is such a thing as- well, firstly you should know that I'm doing a bit on ear infections- and one of the cures is called an aural toilet."
"An oral toilet? That makes no sense. Also it's a bit gross."
"No, no, no. An aural toilet. It's... well, I suppose it's a toilet that goes in your ear."
"Yeah. I'll see if I can find a picture... oh, nope, that's just actual people sitting on actual toilets. Ooh, but there's a good one here of an elephant sat on a giant loo."
"An aural toilet is an elephant sat on a giant loo? Remind me never to go the doctors ever again."
Dec 2, 2011
"Man, I love being a Uni student. It's 8:30 and I still have plans to go out and stand by a street to take photos for my I&P course, and then go drinking and video game playing after that. This is great! It's like the evening is my morning all over again!"
"Yes, well you live in a twilight zone. Every day is like that for you."
Nov 25, 2011
"I'm bored; entertain me!"
"Okay here's a fun game. I'm sending you on a treasure hunt, and you only get two clues. The object I want you to find has roughly the same dimensions as a DVD and written somewhere on it is "El Orphanato, a film by Guillermo Del Toro."
"You're a little bit shit sometimes, aren't you?"
5 Minutes Later
"Not only is that a shit game, but I have also just lost it."
Nov 23, 2011
"I keep forgetting how much I like it between cups. Sometimes, there are even cups of tea that I take entirely for granted."
Brenton, a fellow lover of tea:
"Wow. That's a terrible thing to say."
"But then every once in a while I'll have tea and think 'there really is nothing better than this.' I mean I have it when I'm working or when I'm reading and I don't really take time out to appreciate it; it's just kind of there like a really good friend... and then some days you realise that your really good friend is totally top notch and you get all emotional about it. That is what my relationship with tea is like."
"... That is really just oddly specific."
Nov 19, 2011
K, on phone:
"Oh my God, you're not going to believe what just happened!"N, in Woolies:"Err what? Can it wait twenty minutes only I'm just in the middle of-""No. This is ridiculous you have to hear it.""Okay then, shoot.""OKAY SO DAISY'S TAIL JUST-""... Just what? Just fell off? Became sentient? Changed colour? Wha-- oh."
Her phone had run out of battery, and I had just assumed it was a pause for dramatic effect and kept talking.
Nov 18, 2011
Oct 28, 2011
Oct 25, 2011
Oct 19, 2011
Oct 8, 2011
"In films- when they need thunder sounds- what do they do?""They go out and record thunder.""But what if there isn't any?""Then I guess they'd probably use stock sounds from their library.""What if there aren't any stock sounds?""There's always stock sounds.""Oh...""... Do you want me to tell you they record the sound of wheelie bins?""Yes.""They record the sound of wheelie bins.""AWESOME."
Sep 14, 2011
Sep 10, 2011
Nipper to K's brother:"Hey, Ad. D'you mind if I download an emulator on your laptop?"Kiki:"What's an emulator?"Nipper:"It let's you play video games on your computer."Kiki:"Oh... you want to play pokémon, don't you?"Nipper:"... Yes."Kiki:"You are the biggest dork of them all."
Jul 23, 2011
K's mum:"You know, girls, we could always knock through to the bathroom to make an ensuite."Nipper:"And then what would I do, if there are two ensuites and none of them are connected to my room?"K's mum:"Well, we'd just knock have to through to your room as well."Kiki:"Oh, yes, and why don't we knock through to the neighbours house while we're at it: 'Don't mind us, we're just knocking through!'"Nipper:"But this is our lounge!"K's mum:"Not any more! We've knocked through!"
Jul 19, 2011
"I quite like that the cats have a little morning/night ritual just like we do. If I leave my door open, they'll come and sleep on the end of my bed, and then when my alarm goes off, they get up and walk across my face to make sure I'm awake. Then they hear your alarm and they go off to scratch at your door until you let them in for morning cuddles, before they scamper off to follow me into the bathroom and I have to shoo them out so I can have a shower.""You have to shoo them out? There is a shower curtain you know. They don't have x-ray vision.""Yeah, but I get worried that they'll get bored or poo somewhere while I'm in the shower and I'm terrified of having to clean it up. I've learned the hard way that these cats need to have 24 hour access to their litter tray without exception, and even then it's a bit risky.""Huh. Y'know, the whole poo thing really ruined the idyllic morning thing you had going. I'd leave that out next time you tell it."
Jul 3, 2011
Jun 30, 2011
Transformers 3 is pretty much the same as all the others: lots of explosions from start to finish and very little else in between. The plot is the same as always- there are some good ones and some bad ones, and most of them are blown up. From the moment the trailers ended, the motion sickness set in, fuelled by a scene reminiscient of a laser skirmish in outer space. This tied in nicely with the inference that the Space Race of the 50s and 60s was not actually about Americans punching Russian dignity in the throat, or vice versa, but instead to do with an alien space ship on the moon. Niel Armsrtong and Buzz Aldrin were therefore not just holidaying on a floating rock, but also there to steal some cool shit from an intergalactic junkyard. In fact, Optimus Prime and Buzz Aldrin even start a little "I've been to space" buddy club, which presumably Armstrong wasn't invited to because he had BO, or because he has the good sense to stay the hell away from Transformers movies. There was a momentary glimpse of actual academic reference in the form of a robot that was designed after Albert Einstien, but then it died.
John Malcovich- who's character they spent quite a while introducing- just disappeared half way through the film. He didn't die or anything; we can only assume he went on a toilet break and got heinously lost amongst the plumbing. And you know how in the earlier ones Megan Fox had white trousers that never seemed to get dirty? Well in this one the chick had a white jacket. Apparently dating Sam Witwickey gives your clothes the ability to instantaneously launder themselves. On a similar wardrobe-related note, there was a scene in which she was sent flying through a collapsing building, flung side to side through panes of glass, and went hurtling down the outside of said building- and somehow managed to keep these slip-on high heels on, revealing that this particular supermodel enjoys supergluing her shoes to the soles of her feet.
Oh, and if you weren't sold on the Matrix of Leadership in the last film because it sounded like one of those wanky things your Religious Ed teacher goes on about, fear not: you've got the whole of this movie to warm up to it too!
All in all, I don't know exactly what happened in the last three hours of my life, only that I will never get them back.
Jun 28, 2011
"Oh, and you missed a call from the RSPCA."
"Oh really? What did they want?""They said you've won a giraffe.""What.""Yeah. She said Hi there I'm Blahdy Blah from the RSPCA is Nicki there, she's won a giraffe.""A giraffe.""Yes.""Not Raffle. Not carafe. But giraffe.""Yes.""...""... Well I may have misheard."
Jun 22, 2011
N: I think I've buggered my back on the way home... [tries to move] - Oh, Christ on a bike.
K: Were you on your bike?N: Er, thanks... And yeah, feel free to worship me any time.K: What? No- I meant did you do your back in on your bike, not that you're-N: Yeah, I know. I was just joking.K: You sounded pretty serious.N: That's because I wasn't.K: I can't even tell if you're being sarcastic or not anymore.N: What? Of course I was being sarcastic- weren't you?K: Yes, of course I was. I was being sarcastic about you being sarcastic.N: Well, obviously.K: ... I swear to God anyone listening in wouldn't have the faintest clue what either of us are on about.
Jun 20, 2011
HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS ITS K'S BIRTHDAY.This is super important cause she's all kinds of rad and a bit like Jesus in that respect, which makes all of us her disciples, or pet donkeys. Like Jesus, she's invited us all along to this super dooper ace-tastic dinner thing to celebrate her existence, except she won't be dying at the end of it 'cause unlike Jesus she knows how to not put a downer on a party. Also unlike Jesus she won't be getting us to drink wine and pretend its her blood like some kind of wussy vampiric cult ritual, or singling one of us out to betray her by keying her car or something. So I guess actually she's not all that much like Jesus at all.Anyway, it's going to be a pretty fun party so you should be there.Love from N
Jun 12, 2011
Jun 9, 2011
"Awsh that is so cute."
"Oh, it's just this picture of one of my old teachers and his son... and they've made a stegosaurus pizza."
Jun 7, 2011
Kiki (in song):
"There was cheese, cheese, crawling on it's knees
In the store, In the store.
There was cheese, cheese, crawling on it's knees,
In the quatermaster's store."
Ad infinitum with verses involving meat with feet, eggs on legs, bread doing headstands and feminist flour.
Nipper (in speech):
"Two things: firstly, I never, ever want to meet this quatermaster and his little gang of sentient mutant biohazard food friends, and two, I seem to recall you looking up that chant, and those definitely not being the words."
Kiki (ignoring, and still in song):
"My eyes are dim, I cannot see
I have not brought my specs with me.
I haaave no-ot brought my specs with me."
Nipper (still definitely not in song):
"Well, you certainly didn't have them with you when you were looking up the words."
Jun 2, 2011
My dad, on the phone:
"I'm stood here in the kitchen on my own staring at an empty sausage roll box. I'm not finding it very inspiring."
May 30, 2011
"You know what fashion I'd like to see make a return? Clothes that fit. I'd really like to own a shirt that doesn't go down to me knees in the name of 'cool', thanks."
May 27, 2011
May 22, 2011
"Right. The bathroom is now so clean that if someone asked you to eat your dinner off the floor you would still say no, because someone who is mad enough to ask you to eat off the floor is also probably mad enough to mix up salt with arsenic... but the floor is pretty damn clean is what I'm trying to say."
May 16, 2011
May 15, 2011
"Well, it's a bit of a joke, really isn't it?""Yeah; whenever anyone asks me whether I'm left wing or right wing I always get the mental picture of two birds with one wing apiece spinning ineffectually on the floor and nothing ever happening.""So, basically, you visualise politicians."
May 14, 2011
Apr 27, 2011
"I think I've found a design flaw in your dryer. My clothes seem to be more damp now than they were when they went in.""I think I've found a design flaw in your brain. That's the washing machine."
Apr 7, 2011
"We're going to have to be much more entertaining now; people besides our mothers read our blog!""Uh-oh. QUICK; SAY SOMETHING HILARI- is that a hit from Ecuador on our stats page?!"
Apr 6, 2011
“I’m quite upset I can’t get my hair to stand up as much as yours.”
“Well, I can't help it; that’s just what happens when you have mammoths in your gene pool. We’re not sure who it was, or when it happened, but the hair don’t lie.”
Apr 5, 2011
"Eurgh. That is just awful. Augh-god, no one's going to be banging THAT in a hurry. This Carcinoma in situ stuff is enough to put you off sex forever."
"Oh, oh! Look up teratoma.""Why- is that worse?""No; it's not as gross.""... JESUS CHRIST THAT IS SO MUCH WORSE. What the hell is this? Second heads on balls or something?""... yeah. I guess it is."
Apr 3, 2011
“So when you touch the fire and your arm snaps back, what is actually happening is a series of messages are being transmitted from sensory neurons to the central nervous system, and then back again through the motor neurons- and all this happens faster than your brain can process the fact that it is happening. In simple terms, you’re nerves go ‘OH, Shit!’ and then a bit later your brain catches up and thinks ‘Hmm, yes. I agree.’”
Apr 1, 2011
"What are you doing with Dr Bob?"
"I'm putting him in your bed."
"Well you can't; I'm putting him in yours."
Mar 29, 2011
“I think Italian men are quite nice. Y’know, fire in the blood but also somehow very family oriented.”
“No, that’s just the Mafia you’re thinking of.”
Mar 26, 2011
"Yeah, I think Matt Smith's speeches are little bit more... self-confident?"Kiki:"Proud?""Yes, exactly. Sort of like 'I think I've reached the point where I just can't get any fucking better. Bring it, bitches!'""Mmm. I think previous doctors may have been a little bit more... humble, shall we say."
“I don’t want to sleep there now; there’s moth in my bed.”
“Technically there’s a wing in your bed. It’s not the whole moth; more like a bit of ex-wing dust.”
“I still don’t want to sleep in there.”“Well try to think of it as a chicken wing.”“Why?”“Well, wouldn’t you feel any better about sleeping on a chicken wing?”“No. Not really. Not at all, in fact.”“… Well then I have no words of comfort for you.”
Cup of tea count: 2
Mar 24, 2011
Nipper, glancing at the television:
"Oh, hey it's that guy... oh, whatsisface. 300. Law Abiding Citizen. That shit one with Jennifer Aniston -- Gerard Butler!
Kiki, previously studying:
"What? Where? I love Gerard Butler; whatever he's selling- I'll buy it!"Cup of tea count: see here
Mar 4, 2011
Mar 2, 2011